A
Airbrush - Cockney grooming accessory
Allotment - Self-expression through gardening
Apéritif - Cockney name for dentures
B
Bandit - a Mexican Band-aid
Barbecue - long line of parents with small girls at the toy shop
Barbecue - waiting list at a men's hairdressing salon
Bistrot - second urgent visit to the lavatory
Bitcoin - reason why I have two broken teeth
Boracic - very dull and therefore little known period of the Mesozoic era
C
Carpe Diem - fish of the day
Centipede - very smelly wee (see 'Millipede')
Champagne - what footballers do after a tackle to earn a free kick
Contest - gullibility check
Crew cut - redundancies at British Airways
Cross-bred - baguette with attitude
Counterfeiter - kitchen installation expert
Curaçao - vet specialising in female pigs
D
Dogmatic - K9
E
Equestrianism - online questrionism
F
Foreplay - a bad golfer's warm-up session
G
[Compulsive] Gamblers - hyperactive lambs (contributed by N. Pinkley)
Gherkin - relatives of a Nepalese soldier
Ginger - an alcoholic ninja
Grammar School - how an English teacher tries to motivate his pupils
H
Hamlet - very small leg of pork
Handicap - useful article of headwear
Harmonica - Bill Clinton's greeting to Miss Lewinsky
The Horse Whisperer - Bonnie Tyler speaking softly
I
Illegal - unwell bird of prey
J
Jockstrap - Scottish implement for catching mice
K
Kudos - sleeping rough outside Harrods the night before the New Year sale
L
Lambrusco - favourite tipple of young sheep (contributed by N. Pinkley)
Leatherhead - mild fetishist
Loafer - lazy baker
M
Millipede - very small wee (see 'Centipede')
Mummified - state of pregnancy for a Pharoah's wife
O
Oyster - instruction to Cockney crane driver
P
Paddy fields - where Irish cream comes from
Pandemonium - the chaos that occurs in a zoo when there aren't enough bamboo shoots to go round
Pecan - portable lavatory
Pope Pius - warm snack sold in St Peter's Square
Problematic - loft under a leaking roof
Punctilious - being very fussy about puns
S
Saxophones - what Father Christmas has to deliver these days
Sex - large bags in Australia
Stupendous - a very heavy, hard to digest casserole
T
Telekinesis - Telly Savalas' brother, best known for his moving performances
Tirade - very well-dressed cross-country race
U
Ubiquitous - sheep everywhere (contributed by N. Pinkley)
Urinal - lavatory for sheep (contributed by N. Pinkley)
Z
Zebra - French female undergarment
