TAKE YOUR POSITION
A group of young footballers was in the centre of the local park pitch, selecting teams and positions. Suddenly one of them started walking nonchalantly towards one of the goals, stopping just outside the penalty area.
"Where are you going?" a team mate asked.
"It's ok, I'll be right back," he replied.
(Submitted by Andy Shoots of Park Royal)
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Friday, March 25, 2016
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Understanding Italian English
UNDERSTANDING ITALIAN-ENGLISH
A helpful guide for helping Italians in the UK...
Bigamist - Italian fog
Roundabout - Approximately
Make amends - What an Italian seamstress does
Easter eggs - "This belongs to Derek"
Esoteric - "This is Derek"
Isobar - Popular Heddon Street drinking venue for Italians in London
Desecrate - "This is wonderful"
Dissident - "Here's where he hit my car"
Lava bread - Italian baker
Earache - "This is where it hurts"
(Submitted by Lynne Guini of Dean Street, Soho, London)
A helpful guide for helping Italians in the UK...
Bigamist - Italian fog
Roundabout - Approximately
Make amends - What an Italian seamstress does
Easter eggs - "This belongs to Derek"
Esoteric - "This is Derek"
Isobar - Popular Heddon Street drinking venue for Italians in London
Desecrate - "This is wonderful"
Dissident - "Here's where he hit my car"
Lava bread - Italian baker
Earache - "This is where it hurts"
(Submitted by Lynne Guini of Dean Street, Soho, London)
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Kitchen Lore
KITCHEN LORE
Cole's Law: Cabbage is inedible raw, unless cut into small pieces and mixed with vinaigrette or mayonnaise.
Murphy's Law: Similar to Cole's Law, but applied to boiled potatoes.
(Submitted by Delia Myth of Norwich)
Cole's Law: Cabbage is inedible raw, unless cut into small pieces and mixed with vinaigrette or mayonnaise.
Murphy's Law: Similar to Cole's Law, but applied to boiled potatoes.
(Submitted by Delia Myth of Norwich)
Friday, February 19, 2016
Snow joke
SNOW JOKE
The British polar expedition was having a torrid time. Progress was desperately slow, winter was upon them and temperatures had dropped to record lows.
Waking one morning and trying to connect to a navigation satellite on their laptop, the team realised, by the absence of the familiar whirring sound, that the drive must have frozen solid. The team leader had an idea.
"The sun's up, but not for long chaps. Let's put the computer on the roof of the tent and maybe the rays striking the black plastic will warm it up enough for the drive to begin working again."
So they did. And it did.
Eventually, against all the odds, the team made it to the pole, returned home and became household names. The team leader was knighted by the Queen and besieged by publishers wanting him to write the story of the heroic journey.
Six months later the book came out, with its unforgettable title: "Now is the winter of hard disk on tent."
(Submitted by Shirley Knott of Billericay, Essex)
The British polar expedition was having a torrid time. Progress was desperately slow, winter was upon them and temperatures had dropped to record lows.
Waking one morning and trying to connect to a navigation satellite on their laptop, the team realised, by the absence of the familiar whirring sound, that the drive must have frozen solid. The team leader had an idea.
"The sun's up, but not for long chaps. Let's put the computer on the roof of the tent and maybe the rays striking the black plastic will warm it up enough for the drive to begin working again."
So they did. And it did.
Eventually, against all the odds, the team made it to the pole, returned home and became household names. The team leader was knighted by the Queen and besieged by publishers wanting him to write the story of the heroic journey.
Six months later the book came out, with its unforgettable title: "Now is the winter of hard disk on tent."
(Submitted by Shirley Knott of Billericay, Essex)
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Down in the pumps
DOWN IN THE PUMPS
My mate used to run a garage, but he's just closed down.
I asked him why and he said, "Everything was at least 10p a litre cheaper at the hypermarkets, so all except my most faithful customers left."
"I see," I said. "Fewer loyal?"
"Not much. Petrol mostly."
(Submitted by Helena Handbasket of Runcorn, Cheshire)
My mate used to run a garage, but he's just closed down.
I asked him why and he said, "Everything was at least 10p a litre cheaper at the hypermarkets, so all except my most faithful customers left."
"I see," I said. "Fewer loyal?"
"Not much. Petrol mostly."
(Submitted by Helena Handbasket of Runcorn, Cheshire)
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Below bog standard
BELOW BOG STANDARD
"Did you read about those explorers trying to get to the North Pole? Apparently a terrible blizzard blew away all their tents and they had to built an ig for shelter. Terrible conditions, eight men cramped in a few square feet..."
"No, I didn't. But what's an ig?"
"Sort of Eskimo house, but without a toilet."
(Submitted by Shirley Knott of Billericay, Essex)
"Did you read about those explorers trying to get to the North Pole? Apparently a terrible blizzard blew away all their tents and they had to built an ig for shelter. Terrible conditions, eight men cramped in a few square feet..."
"No, I didn't. But what's an ig?"
"Sort of Eskimo house, but without a toilet."
(Submitted by Shirley Knott of Billericay, Essex)
Monday, February 15, 2016
Peripheral vision
PERIPHERAL VISION
I was looking for a top-notch new printer to replace my clapped out old inkjet. The salesman was trying to flog me a very expensive laser model.
"I sold one of these to Buckingham Palace. I think it was for Beatrice and Eugenie."
"Really? Princesses?"
"Prints any letter you like!"
(Submitted by Sam & Janet Evening of Chelsea, London)
I was looking for a top-notch new printer to replace my clapped out old inkjet. The salesman was trying to flog me a very expensive laser model.
"I sold one of these to Buckingham Palace. I think it was for Beatrice and Eugenie."
"Really? Princesses?"
"Prints any letter you like!"
(Submitted by Sam & Janet Evening of Chelsea, London)
Monday, February 15, 2016
In vino veritas
IN VINO VERITAS
R&B artist Y-No had teamed up with the diva Beyonme and rapper Busta Gut and signed with a famous record label as a new trio by name of Wrath's Child.
Well known for his love of the finest Claret, Y-No frequently appears on stage clutching a bottle of red wine with a brightly coloured, artistic label.
At the press conference to launch ther first collaborative album, Y-No was asked why he was so fond of this prestigious French wine.
"Simple, I bought the place. Now I'm a Motown Wrath's Child."
(Submitted by Ray Banz of Detroit, MI)
R&B artist Y-No had teamed up with the diva Beyonme and rapper Busta Gut and signed with a famous record label as a new trio by name of Wrath's Child.
Well known for his love of the finest Claret, Y-No frequently appears on stage clutching a bottle of red wine with a brightly coloured, artistic label.
At the press conference to launch ther first collaborative album, Y-No was asked why he was so fond of this prestigious French wine.
"Simple, I bought the place. Now I'm a Motown Wrath's Child."
(Submitted by Ray Banz of Detroit, MI)
Monday, February 15, 2016
A bit of a wrench
A BIT OF A WRENCH
My wife's not vegetarian, but she gets squeamish about the business of killing meat or poultry.
Just before Christmas we went to our local farmer to choose a turkey, as we do every year.
As we were going in my mobile rang, so I told my wife to go in and pick out the bird while I took the call. When I walked in she was looking rather flustered and embarrassed as she pointed to a plump specimen and said "Do you think you could, er..., you know, get the bird, er..., well, ready for us to take home, if you see what I mean?"
The farmer looked a bit puzzled and said, "You want to take the bird home Madam? As a pet?"
"She means wring its neck, Mr Jones, if you would please," I said.
The farmers face lit up at this. "Ah, now we're torquing turkey!"
(Submitted by Ivor Smallholding of Kent)
My wife's not vegetarian, but she gets squeamish about the business of killing meat or poultry.
Just before Christmas we went to our local farmer to choose a turkey, as we do every year.
As we were going in my mobile rang, so I told my wife to go in and pick out the bird while I took the call. When I walked in she was looking rather flustered and embarrassed as she pointed to a plump specimen and said "Do you think you could, er..., you know, get the bird, er..., well, ready for us to take home, if you see what I mean?"
The farmer looked a bit puzzled and said, "You want to take the bird home Madam? As a pet?"
"She means wring its neck, Mr Jones, if you would please," I said.
The farmers face lit up at this. "Ah, now we're torquing turkey!"
(Submitted by Ivor Smallholding of Kent)
Monday, February 15, 2016
Workplace tresses
WORKPLACE TRESSES
"My barber is amazing. He can tell you the most incredible stories about the hair of every customer he's ever had. By profession too, racing drivers, coal miners, chefs, taxi drivers, lawyers, whatever you care to name."
"Locks myths?"
"Probably, but I've not heard that one."
(Submitted by S. Todd of Fleet Street, London)
"My barber is amazing. He can tell you the most incredible stories about the hair of every customer he's ever had. By profession too, racing drivers, coal miners, chefs, taxi drivers, lawyers, whatever you care to name."
"Locks myths?"
"Probably, but I've not heard that one."
(Submitted by S. Todd of Fleet Street, London)
Saturday, January 16, 2016
Digging deeper
DIGGING DEEPER
"I've written an article about what I found down a rabbit's burrow."
"Warren piece?"
"No, just 500 words."
"I've written an article about what I found down a rabbit's burrow."
"Warren piece?"
"No, just 500 words."
Saturday, January 16, 2016
Clos call
CLOS CALL
My wife and I are hugely keen on fine Burgundy, but we often argue about our preferences.
For example, among the Premier Cru in one AOC, I absolutely adore Clos des Mouches, while she would far rather have a Clos des Ursules.
It's a Beaune of contention between us.
(Submitted by Dennis Helbeau, of Roland Garros, Paris)
My wife and I are hugely keen on fine Burgundy, but we often argue about our preferences.
For example, among the Premier Cru in one AOC, I absolutely adore Clos des Mouches, while she would far rather have a Clos des Ursules.
It's a Beaune of contention between us.
(Submitted by Dennis Helbeau, of Roland Garros, Paris)
Friday, January 15, 2016
Swayed loafers
SWAYED LOAFERS
"We had a great holiday in Shanklin this summer. Found this wonderful baker - the best bread I've ever eaten!"
"Isle of Wight?"
"Really? I prefer brown myself."
(Submitted by Victoria Osborne of East Cowes, IoW)
"We had a great holiday in Shanklin this summer. Found this wonderful baker - the best bread I've ever eaten!"
"Isle of Wight?"
"Really? I prefer brown myself."
(Submitted by Victoria Osborne of East Cowes, IoW)
Friday, January 15, 2016
Wheat pics
WHEAT PICS
They're planning a remake in Morocco of that classic James Dean movie about an emotionally confused suburban, middle-class teenager.
It tells the tragic story of what goes wrong when the hero is left waiting for his food at a local restaurant.
It's called Rebel without a Couscous.
(Submitted by Selma Lima of Tangiers)
They're planning a remake in Morocco of that classic James Dean movie about an emotionally confused suburban, middle-class teenager.
It tells the tragic story of what goes wrong when the hero is left waiting for his food at a local restaurant.
It's called Rebel without a Couscous.
(Submitted by Selma Lima of Tangiers)
Friday, January 15, 2016
A whole load of bull
A WHOLE LOAD OF BULL
"I've written a magnificent work about cattle farming."
"Really? What makes it magnificent?"
"It's been nominated for a bullitzer prize."
(Submitted by Rex Taurus of Kobe, Japan)
"I've written a magnificent work about cattle farming."
"Really? What makes it magnificent?"
"It's been nominated for a bullitzer prize."
(Submitted by Rex Taurus of Kobe, Japan)
Saturday, January 09, 2016
Eh, wasabe Doc?
EH, WASABE DOC?
"My mate's absolutely obsessed with Japanese food, especially that stuff deep fried in batter. He's a right bore, won't eat anything else, never talks about anything else..."
"Tempura mental?"
"No, just obsessed with this Japanese fried food."
(Submitted by Jo Veal of Upper Norwood, London)
"My mate's absolutely obsessed with Japanese food, especially that stuff deep fried in batter. He's a right bore, won't eat anything else, never talks about anything else..."
"Tempura mental?"
"No, just obsessed with this Japanese fried food."
(Submitted by Jo Veal of Upper Norwood, London)
Wednesday, January 06, 2016
Urning a living?
URNING A LIVING?
"I've got a new job at the British Board of Film Classification."
"Lucky devil! Getting paid to watch dirty movies."
"No such luck. They've put me in charge of drawing the line between films judged 'Universal' and those considered 'Parental Guidance'."
"So, you're becoming a Tea Lady?"
"Tea Lady? Why?"
"You're serving up PG tips."
"I've got a new job at the British Board of Film Classification."
"Lucky devil! Getting paid to watch dirty movies."
"No such luck. They've put me in charge of drawing the line between films judged 'Universal' and those considered 'Parental Guidance'."
"So, you're becoming a Tea Lady?"
"Tea Lady? Why?"
"You're serving up PG tips."
Sunday, January 03, 2016
Hot off the press
HOT OFF THE PRESS
My wife and I were having a New Year's Eve drink with our neighbours and marvelling over their amazing talking bird.
They were passing round the nibbles and we were all listening to the bird screech "Cashews! - Cheesy Wotsits! - Salt & Vinegar!", when I suddenly caught a whiff of acrid smoke.
"Is something burning?", I asked our hostess, who immediately got up and went into the kitchen. "The sausage rolls have caught fire!", she screamed, pulling a dish from the oven and dropping it on the floor.
Within seconds the flames had set fire to the curtains and suddenly the whole room seemed to be alight.
"The house is on fire! The house is on fire! Call the fire brigade! Call the fire brigade!", screamed the bird.
Our host ran to the 'phone for the fire brigade as smoke filled the rooms and we all tried to douse the flames with water or any available piece of cloth, but to no avail. When the firemen arrived the house was a blazing inferno and we were trapped in the living room. Finally, the firemen got us all out, coughing and spluttering, and even managed to save the talking bird, who had a few singed feathers but was otherwise fine.
The next day the local paper carried the following headline: "House burns down in Oakfield Road. Occupants escape with mynah burns."
(Submitted by Cherie Tryful of Wimbledon)
My wife and I were having a New Year's Eve drink with our neighbours and marvelling over their amazing talking bird.
They were passing round the nibbles and we were all listening to the bird screech "Cashews! - Cheesy Wotsits! - Salt & Vinegar!", when I suddenly caught a whiff of acrid smoke.
"Is something burning?", I asked our hostess, who immediately got up and went into the kitchen. "The sausage rolls have caught fire!", she screamed, pulling a dish from the oven and dropping it on the floor.
Within seconds the flames had set fire to the curtains and suddenly the whole room seemed to be alight.
"The house is on fire! The house is on fire! Call the fire brigade! Call the fire brigade!", screamed the bird.
Our host ran to the 'phone for the fire brigade as smoke filled the rooms and we all tried to douse the flames with water or any available piece of cloth, but to no avail. When the firemen arrived the house was a blazing inferno and we were trapped in the living room. Finally, the firemen got us all out, coughing and spluttering, and even managed to save the talking bird, who had a few singed feathers but was otherwise fine.
The next day the local paper carried the following headline: "House burns down in Oakfield Road. Occupants escape with mynah burns."
(Submitted by Cherie Tryful of Wimbledon)
Sunday, January 03, 2016
Our Top 100 Puns of 2015
OUR TOP 100 PUNS OF 2015
1 |
New Tube | 15+19+18+19+23 |
94 |
2 |
Sole food | 15+15+20+19+24 |
93 |
3 |
Not all beer and skittles | 15+19+18+18+23 |
93 |
4 |
Left in stitches... | 15+19+19+18+22 |
93 |
5 |
CCTV | 15+19+18+18+22 |
92 |
6 |
Turning the page | 15+19+18+19+21 |
92 |
7 |
A nose for business | 15+18+17+19+22 |
91 |
8 |
Familiar ring to it | 15+18+18+18+22 |
91 |
9 |
Late for the meating | 15+19+18+19+20 |
91 |
10 |
Here's Yuan for the money | 15+20+18+20+18 |
91 |
11 |
Leicester we forget | 15+18+17+18+22 |
90 |
12 |
In the cauldron boil and break | 15+16+20+17+22 |
90 |
13= |
Water on the knee | 15+18+18+18+21 |
90 |
13= |
Rigamortis | 15+18+18+18+21 |
90 |
15 |
Glass ceiling | 15+19+17+18+21 |
90 |
16 |
Musical coffers | 15+18+18+19+20 |
90 |
17 |
Sore point | 15+16+19+18+21 |
89 |
18 |
Lowering the atmosphere | 15+19+16+18+21 |
89 |
19= |
Hearty appetite | 15+18+18+18+20 |
89 |
19= |
Ukraine? New cranes! | 15+18+18+18+20 |
89 |
21= |
Penne stock company | 15+19+17+18+20 |
89 |
21= |
Health diet | 15+19+17+18+20 |
89 |
21= |
Neuter the neighbourhood | 15+19+17+18+20 |
89 |
24 |
Doctor I'm feeling verse and verse | 15+18+19+18+19 |
89 |
25 |
Regular appointment | 12+19+16+20+21 |
88 |
26 |
Not a leg to stand on | 15+15+19+18+21 |
88 |
27 |
Feline fib | 15+16+18+18+21 |
88 |
28 |
Sank like a stone | 15+18+17+17+21 |
88 |
29 |
Norse load | 15+17+18+19+20 |
88 |
30= |
Hip fashion items | 15+17+18+18+20 |
88 |
30= |
Gross - really, really gross | 15+17+18+18+20 |
88 |
30= |
A Saltire and flattery | 15+17+18+18+20 |
88 |
33 |
Talking the walk | 15+18+17+18+20 |
88 |
34= |
Flush with funds | 15+19+17+18+19 |
88 |
34= |
Causing a terrible hoopla | 15+19+17+18+19 |
88 |
36 |
The bare facts | 15+12+19+19+22 |
87 |
37= |
Cold comfort | 15+15+18+18+21 |
87 |
37= |
Camelot too far for this | 15+15+18+18+21 |
87 |
39 |
Looking for an opening | 15+16+16+20+20 |
87 |
40 |
Unsavoury opinions | 14+17+18+18+20 |
87 |
41= |
Pig-headed | 15+16+18+18+20 |
87 |
41= |
All-consuming passion | 15+16+18+18+20 |
87 |
43= |
Bank on it! | 15+17+17+18+20 |
87 |
43= |
When in Rome | 15+17+17+18+20 |
87 |
45= |
Flue blues | 15+18+16+18+20 |
87 |
45= |
Hunny trap | 15+18+16+18+20 |
87 |
47 |
If the cap fits… | 15+17+18+17+20 |
87 |
48 |
Nordic cross boarder incident | 15+18+17+17+20 |
87 |
49 |
On the ball | 15+18+18+17+19 |
87 |
50 |
Grape expectations | 15+18+18+18+18 |
87 |
51 |
Foot and mouth dis-ease | 15+14+19+18+20 |
86 |
52 |
Mandy Tory answer | 15+16+17+18+20 |
86 |
53 |
Carrie on searching | 15+16+18+17+20 |
86 |
54 |
Lecture us interruptus | 15+17+17+17+20 |
86 |
55 |
Supporting evidence | 15+16+18+18+19 |
86 |
56= |
Meaty parts | 15+17+17+18+19 |
86 |
56= |
To cut a long story… | 15+17+17+18+19 |
86 |
56= |
Holmes, sweet Holmes | 15+17+17+18+19 |
86 |
56= |
Breeches of confidence | 15+17+17+18+19 |
86 |
60 |
Green ayes | 15+18+16+18+19 |
86 |
61 |
Hardy attitudes | 15+17+18+17+19 |
86 |
62= |
Stiff locks | 15+18+17+17+19 |
86 |
62= |
Reptile housing | 15+18+17+17+19 |
86 |
64 |
Oars play | 15+19+16+17+19 |
86 |
65 |
Daily jaws | 15+16+17+20+18 |
86 |
66 |
Sauce of discontent | 10+15+20+19+21 |
85 |
67 |
Decline and fall | 11+19+17+18+20 |
85 |
68 |
That's mo 2 | 15+18+14+18+20 |
85 |
69 |
Badly taut | 15+15+18+17+20 |
85 |
70 |
Funny bone | 12+19+17+18+19 |
85 |
71 |
Triplikim | 14+17+17+18+19 |
85 |
72= |
Highly strung | 15+16+17+18+19 |
85 |
72= |
TGIF - or not? | 15+16+17+18+19 |
85 |
72= |
Green field project | 15+16+17+18+19 |
85 |
72= |
Rite answer | 15+16+17+18+19 |
85 |
72= |
Clothe call | 15+16+17+18+19 |
85 |
77= |
Cardigan error | 15+16+17+18+19 |
85 |
77= |
In a different glass… | 15+16+17+18+19 |
85 |
79= |
Early finish | 15+17+16+18+19 |
85 |
79= |
Santa Cause? | 15+17+16+18+19 |
85 |
81= |
Tacky humour | 15+17+17+17+19 |
85 |
81= |
Fishy business | 15+17+17+17+19 |
85 |
81= |
Tight budget | 15+17+17+17+19 |
85 |
84= |
Thin volume | 15+18+16+17+19 |
85 |
84= |
Shelling out | 15+18+16+17+19 |
85 |
84= |
Alan Hansen, punned it | 15+18+16+17+19 |
85 |
84= |
Hostile atmosphere | 15+18+16+17+19 |
85 |
88 |
Montecristo's flying circles | 15+18+17+16+19 |
85 |
89 |
Mark of eggsellence | 15+16+18+18+18 |
85 |
90= |
Adult Eros | 15+17+17+18+18 |
85 |
90= |
No kidding | 15+17+17+18+18 |
85 |
92 |
Barrel of fun | 14+19+16+18+18 |
85 |
93 |
Dutch courage | 15+17+18+17+18 |
85 |
94 |
Two way conversation | 14+19+17+17+18 |
85 |
95 |
Trunk call | 15+18+17+17+18 |
85 |
96 |
State of the union | 8+19+16+19+22 |
84 |
97 |
Family Beef | 15+10+19+18+22 |
84 |
98 |
Little and large | 7+19+18+19+21 |
84 |
99 |
Paws for thought | 10+19+17+18+20 |
84 |
100 |
Abominable pun | 11+19+16+18+20 |
84 |
Saturday, January 02, 2016
Not on the rocks - yet
NOT ON THE ROCKS - YET
A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch.
"Chivas?", asks the barman.
"Well, I won't deny I like a drink, but I'm not an alcoholic."
(Submitted by Luke Waugham of Covent Garden)
A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch.
"Chivas?", asks the barman.
"Well, I won't deny I like a drink, but I'm not an alcoholic."
(Submitted by Luke Waugham of Covent Garden)